Help save the youth of america from exploding

But every once in a while I remember the summer they didn’t stop me from having a mohawk and rat tail (yes at the same time) and I love them a little less.

aka the trash stache summer

Four years after the fact, I got eBay to stop telling me about Rilakkuma auctions. That was literally the most frustrated and most time spent as such at the internet I have ever been.

Yes I know that the other Chicago teams are currently kicking some ass in their playoffs, but this is about the bears.

Week 1-Bengals

The Bengals matched our record last year (10-6) and made it to the playoffs in back-to-back seasons, losing immediately to the Texans both times. They are the exact picture of the Bears, if we’d have made it to the playoffs the past two years. We would have lost to the Packers in the wild-card round each time. If Andy Dalton has a bad to average game, our defense can mostly likely hold him and AJ Green off enough to let us win in a low scoring game. If he plays exceptionally well, we need Cutler to do the same. If that’s the case, their defense isn’t nearly as prepared as ours to handle a well-running passing game.

This is a very winnable game.

Week 2-Vikings

These guys had one job last season-lose that last game against the Pack. But with that win they got Lovie Smith fired, and put GM Phil Emery’s head next on the block if this season doesn’t pay off. We split games with them last season, despite our decisive victory in the first one and the fact the second came only two weeks after. They took longer to get into a comfortable rhythm last season than we did, so with our offense only getting better and their playing without Percy Harvin, we should have a real solid chance at winning.

Given that it’s a home game, I’m thinking we win this one.

Week 3-@ Steelers

The Steelers went only 8-8 last season, ending it with Big Ben’s interception against the Bengals. He’s getting older and making more mistakes, as is the rest of the team. They’re still perennial contenders, but maybe the polish of their many Superbowl wins and appearances is fading. Given the trouncing I expect them to give their first two opponents (Titans then Bengals) they’ll be on their best for us.

A good Steelers team in Pittsburgh, we’ll lose this one.

Week 4-@ Lions

The NFC North is the best division. Our top three teams had a combined 31 wins last season, leaving only the 4-12 Lions who had made a fantastic run of the first 10 games the season before. Stafford and Megatron will get better, but their defense is shaky as ever. We barely scraped by against them in our last game, but it can be done again.

Another close one, but we’ll win.

Week 5-Saints

Coach Sean Payton is back. Our defense is good, no doubt, but Drew Brees put up so many touchdowns last season to compensate for his team’s awful secondary. He’ll light us up something fierce.

We’ll lose by a margin of 10.

Week 6-Giants

The Giants have a fairly winnable schedule until this, and if Eli Manning is playing well, they’ll make this a tough one. Fortunately, he’s iffy on even his best games, and our defense might make things difficult for him. The Giants defense isn’t equipped to deal with Brandon Marshall at his best, which he always brings to big Thursday night games.

We’ll scrape by in a win, but this is one of the toss ups.

Week 7-@ Redskins

This is basically the same as the week before, but our defense will get this year’s first real test against a read-option quarterback, assuming RGIII is well.

Considering how much our secondary relies on a strong pass-defense, I’m giving this one to Washington. But, it’s another toss up.

Bye week 

Week 9-@ Packers

Former head coach Lovie Smith made a point of saying how his second overall goal was to start beating the Packers. We have not done so in three years. So here’s Marc Trestman’s first opportunity to really dig into this division rivalry and see if his QB coaching skills can get Cutler up to par against the best QB in the league. 

This is just the pessimist in me, but I’m predicting a 14-point walloping by the Pack. 

Week 10-Lions

This club loses far more games than it should. By this point, one of, if not both, of the teams in this game will be looking at the post-season through a small window or in the rear-view mirror. Whichever needs the win more will get it.

We’re pretty good about beating division rivals (save Green Bay) at home. We’ll win this game.

Week 11-Ravens

The returning Superbowl champs have all but gutted their roster of veterans and explosive play makers. Look to them to build around QB Joe Flacco’s (then) record-setting deal and skill set with young players who can bring them back to contention each year. Flacco’s trademark long passes won’t go as well against us as he’d like. A good deal of their losses were in their defense (Ed Reed, Ray Lewis) and if Cutler has reached the potential that someone has to see in him, we can win this one. 

Another toss up. Gonna give it to Baltimore though, based on their more consistent play.

Week 12-@ Rams

The Rams are a terrible team with a few really outstanding players. This one is in the bag.

Bears win with a comfortable 10 point cushion.

Week 13-@ Vikings

Getting down to the home stretch here, each team will be trying to prove they belong in the wild-card round by usurping the other, assuming they have similar records. If not, the team with more to play for will win out. 

Again, pessimism, but the Vikes win this and we’ll split the divisional games.

Week 14-Cowboys

Why is Tony Romo paid so damn much? Either by now he is earning his $120 million, and will ream us, or as I predict, will fall flat of superstar-dome, and we can edge them out once again. Their middle-of-the-league defense isn’t much of a challenge, while ours will be prepared for a traditional pocket passer.

Bears win.

Week 15-@ Browns

Just like the Rams, except with so few hopeful prospects. No one should lose to the Browns, except maybe the Titans or Jags.

Bears win.

Week 16-@ Eagles

Chip Kelly’s Eagles will either be functioning smoothly and eyeing a playoff berth or scrambling to break .500 for the season. The Bears will probably be doing the exact same thing. But this is one area where our QB is actually more consistent than the other team’s, and if interception-happy Michael Vick is somehow still on the field, then I’m thinking our defense may just score some more (here’s looking at you, Lance Briggs).

Bears win.

Week 17-Packers

Last regular game of the season, in Chicago, against our rival? This game will have high expectations, if not high stakes. Look for each team to try and make definitive statements about the season and work for a home-field advantage in the wild-card round. 

I always expect us to lose these games, just so that when we finally win, it’s that much more sweet. So, chalk up another Bears’ loss.

Overall record, 9-7. 

However, several games could easily go either way (Steelers, Giants, Redskins, Vikings) which means it is very possible for either number to go up or down by two. This would make the difference in getting to the play offs. 

If Cutler stays healthy and gradually improves over the course of the season, as he normally does, I think we’ll have a strong season and make the playoffs. If patterns continue and he sits out a game or two, we’re looking at 2012 all over again.

What finals?

The more I see how much the two of you have been, and for some reason, continue to be, major drains on my life. Whether on purpose or inadvertently, so much of what I’ve done for the past four years had something to do with at least one of you.

Time to be done with all that. Again.